Dearest Friends, I am so happy that you gave me 10 minutes notice to prepare an insightful opening email for the "Brooklyn Cable Broadcasting Association Holiday Extravaganza."   I am so proud of all of you. Please think of all of the people who are benefiting from your hard work and training. I can't think of anyone right now, but someone must be benefiting. You have all worked very hard this year bringing us new channels, new shows, and new customers. I for one have been inspired by the Real Housewives of Atlanta to marry an NFL or NBA player. But you all probably don't have time to watch that stuff because you are busy training to compete in world-class athletic events, such as the 3rd Annual Pacific Islands Yoga Cup. Good luck to all of you and you may begin your journey into excellence.

Thank you Mr. Sokel and Mr. Commish.  It is an honor to stand here today in front of [insert name of organization].  I have just returned from the 1999 Inter-American Convention on the Enforcement and Recognition of Nachos, so I have some exciting and timely information for you on that subject. Before I begin that discussion, I always like to start with a little warm up called “copy my pattern.” I am going to make a pattern with my hands and then you all will try to copy it. Let’s try an easy one first. [silence]. Okay now its your turn. [silence]. Not bad.   I hope your brains are warm now. First, I should let you know I may have to leave you for a few seconds every now and again to take a sauerkraut break.   I wanted to talk to you about two things: (1) who can decide when something is a nacho and (2) what is nacho anxiety and what can we do about it. First, what is a nacho? The nacho dish has been around for many years and is very popular. In fact, I bet a thousand dollars that all of you are eating nachos or some other bar-food type menu item or drinking water, soda or beer right now. Am I right? I thought so. That is because Americans love nachos. They love the cheese and chips and salsa. Nachos are made special with guacamole which is made out of avocados. Which are green and delicious.   On the first question, I decide when something is a nacho. By “I” I mean the person who orders the nachos. I can decide when the nachos arrive at my table or when the nacho reaches my mouth. I like to end this portion by asking everyone to repeat: “I decide when something is a nacho.”   On the second question. What is nacho anxiety and what can we do about it. Nacho anxiety plagues many diners. It is essentially a problem about “sharing.” Sometimes, I tense up when I see someone going for the perfect nacho. Sometimes, I am grossed out by the way my friend is eating my nachos. I recommend approaching the problem by thinking of your nacho eating experience as an opportunity for personal growth. I like to end this portion by asking those of you who have felt nacho anxiety to repeat “My Nacho experience is an opportunity for personal growth.”   Thank you NY Care-Bear Countdown Society for your time. I am sure you found the speech interesting and informative.   If you are interested in purchasing a copy of tonight’s speech. Please go to www.sparklemoonbeam.com. Thank you.

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